She wanted to say something to someone, to hang on to something solid, to explain that she hadn't felt anything for him, that she was over him, and glad she had married Andy, and had Reed. It was as though she had to excuse herself, or defend what had happened. She wanted to convince someone that he meant nothing to her. But she knew that if she had, she would have been lying. It was just the same as it had always been, for ten years.
16
KATE WOKE UP the morning after she ran into Joe, feeling heavy She had had bad dreams all night, and woke when the baby cried, with an uncomfortable feeling, as though she had betrayed Andy And then over a cup of coffee, after she put Reed down for a nap, she told herself that she had done nothing wrong.
She hadn't been inappropriate, hadn't shown any interest in him, hadn't encouraged him in any way, hadn't said she'd call him. But without knowing why, she felt guilty about seeing him at all, as though she had been responsible for running into him, or had planned it, which of course, she hadn't.
It was an unpleasant sensation and stayed with her all day. And that night, after she'd written Andy a letter and enclosed photographs of Reed, the phone rang. It was probably her mother, she decided, as she answered. But the voice at the other end nearly ripped her heart out. It was that same velvet roll of thunder that had always had the same effect on her, and she had longed for, for years.
“Hi, Kate.” He sounded tired and relaxed. It was late. And he was still in his office.
“Hi, Joe.” She didn't offer anything more than that. She waited. She had no idea why he would call her.
“I thought maybe you were bored with Andy away.” It was a clever choice of words. He said “bored,” not “lonely.” She was both in fact, but she had no intention of admitting it to him. “Would you like to have lunch, for old times' sake?” He sounded gentle and youthful, and almost humble. And safe, which was deceptive. Even if he meant it, he was not, and never would be for her.
“I don't think so.” It wasn't a good idea, and she knew it.
“I've always wanted you to see the building here in town. It's incredible. One of the most beautiful in the country. You were in on the beginning, I thought you'd want to see where it all went after… after you…”
“I'd like to, but I don't think we should.”
“Why not?” He sounded disappointed, and it touched her. Danger! Danger! It was like a sign flashing. But she chose to ignore it anyway.
